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Today I wanna write some crap. Something I wont evn understand if i'll revisit
it after couple of months which is quite possible with me.

Something is burning inside me. I am feeling like I am sitting on the shore
seeing drowings and is nt able to do sumthing; I dont know swimming.

I saw her leavin........4 her good but away from me. I cudnt wish her to stay
back,I wish her to leave and find her happiness...But m fighting from
myself...I made a choice...I wish she get wat she deserve.

I read he is nt happy. U felt trapped inside when u r compelled to do somthing
you dont want to do. I talked to him everyday and tell him all wat comes in my
mind...I felt shame on myself..I nvr realised he felt that way....m a fool and
he is grt in taking things within him....We are stil thr...cudnt make a
choice..

He thinks he is happy and he know wat happiness is.Its so sweet of him to be so
sure of everything around, like an innoscent child who think he knows
evrything. He is vertually happy and will come back from there....He think he
dont need to make a choice.

I hate uncertainity and the restlessness associated with it.Making choices
wudnt b this tough if we were sure about things.

I have realised, the thing we really want to acheive is happiness and we never
get it actually. Funny how everyone is fighting and running and cying to be
happy.

I am a 23 yr old girl who have spent less than 20 yrs in consious out of which
can hardy remember worth of 10 yrs and inspite of seeing little in life m
saying this. 'LIFE IS TOUGH!!' and living through it is tougher.

Looks like I have cumup with quite a crap crap :)

"Look into the future where would it be
Space between the lives whatever will I see,
How long will I wander before I really know
What I'm here to do and where I have to go"

Inscribed on me..

"Chaar lafzon mein kehni hai kahani mujhe
kisko kab fursat hai sune fariyaad sab

Yeh shehar hai, numaaish lagi hui hai yahan
banke ishtahaar milte hain aadmi sab

Sab ki khatir hain yahaan sab ajnabi
aur kehane ko hain ghar aabaad sab

Bhool ke sab ranjishen sab ek hain kaise
main bataaun sab ko hoga yaad sab

Talkhiyaan kaise na ho ashaar mein
hum pe jo guzari hai humko yaad hai sab"

I have always loved gazals and shayeries. The mystery of the words and hidden meanings between the lines compel us to be on them.

M soon moving out!! Out of my Job, this City!!!! I realised it late but monsoons here are as beautiful as at home. I cant believe m saying this but i'll miss this place and the rains too!!!

and as the shayeri above says...I have clear memories of every moment I lived and everything what happened with me......quite well....quit clear!!!!

....and she never came back!!!!!

She was still chasing it…call her a fool or optimist…but she knew its worth chasing and she was running patiently behind that kite…

Every time she stretch her hand, wind push it a little further…safe enough from her reach…close enough to hope for..

She always loved being at fields. Clean weather…cool breeze…and her “piece of rainbow” on the clear blue sky. Unlike children who love to play in groups she loved to be alone, kite flying…Though she was not a quite, shy person if not a social butterfly...but it was this part of space and her life which she finds difficult to share...

She spent hours with that kite and used to imagine that she can make it fly to another world. That kite used to fight witches and demons for her and used to save Sun princess...Sometimes it becomes a fairy which is on her tour to see whats going in the world and Sometimes it acts like a chariot of flowers which would take her to the land of candies.

That day, It was a princess who escaped from the Cage of a 'Rope Monster' and was going back to meet her mother...:)

Sun went down. Sky turned red...she was still galloping in the fields…

She heard that familiar voice at distance…It was already too late and its time to decide…now or never…whether to go back and loose her precious or to follow it without being sure if she’ll be able to catch it or not…She stopped for a while looked back at her home….She could feel the voice coming closer…It was the time…she hold it, took a deep breadth, turned and ran down the fields...Its her only chance.

She could feel the distant voice fading slowly…

“Clementine…Clementine!!! Where are you Sweetheart? It’s time to go home!!!”

Between this WORLD and a DREAM..

I am such a grandma….I have verse for every situation and thought…what can I do….blame it on my upbringing. Here is my recent encounter…by my sweet beloved MA..

“Pretending something is not that bad…and if you really have to pretend something….try n pretend that your happy…very happy…this will make your loved ones happy and your enemies will dig their head out to know the reason behind!!”

This works…I genuinely think that pretending to be happy is a great idea…this helps you in enhancing your thought process, make u calm and its better than cribbing on things specially in front of people who can do nothing about your hopelessness. If I am sick or having bad time at office, what my dad can do about it??? Isn’t it just fine to pretend in front of him to be happy??? Because in the end we all find some work around and meanwhile I can just be in my dreams…can look for what is there in this world for me...

It might sound like running form problems and being in virtual world…But it’s so not like this…Give it a thought…give it a try….Its worth of!!!

Pretention is an intermediate state where you can face the reality and can also be part of your dreams. You can have a place to satisfy your mind and soul, a place between this world and your Dreams.

I am a good pretentious person and I enjoy this…There is such a huge difference in where I am right now and where I want to be. I try and make a balance between...I try not to discuss my anxiety and restlessness much…Cause as MA explained this will solve the purpose of people who are responsible for my situation and the people who really care about me will feel helpless..

I satisfy my mind in my virtual space and I try to reflect my satisfaction in my work…
:)
Yet another GYAAN session… :)

Weekend is calling…just couple of days to go…I might party today…
You can call it an early celebration. But I am a kind of person who doesn’t need reason to celebrate, sing, treat, dance… I do it just for myself…any day, anytime, anywhere…whenever I feel like…This also helps in pretending to be happy.
:)
I am fine…Infact quite content… may b this wont b like this tomorrow but I’ll worry about it later…
CHEERS!!!

Killing a Mokingbird...Lessons from life..

Few days back someone said something very sweet to me…

He said.. “When it’s long that things around are really bad with you…worst than ever... It’s sure that good things are round the corner…"

I didn't check its credibility… I simply liked it…

It makes me realize a lot of things which I have gone through in past 2 years after I have left home... those were the most learning days of my life and I got a lot…Though the learning is still on but that was exponential growth. I use to crib on everything. A lot of things I saw, heard, felt and realize which make me worse but strong and practical person. Who cares about being nice? People don’t come and help nice people in earning their bread…

Anywz…During days of my growing and self analysis I came to know sum of the interesting facts...which I did’t realize back there at home:

1. Its only your parents in this world who stands for you always…there can be thousands of other people and relations which might have their own importance but your parents are the only one who will stay..

2. Plzzzz don’t get emotionally involved... Nothing in this world deserves this.

.

3. You should not pray for material things you want...because actually you are never sure what u want…because things you want in life for now may loose there importance with course of time...May b you’ll laugh on later for what u have prayed today.

4. We live in this world where nothing can be perfect. If your office is going fine…your personal life must be in jerks… or other way around…and if everything is looking fine that means something very bad and big is coming up. So cheer up and get use to of sum twitchy-witchy mess everyday. This shows things are normal with u.

5. Life’s unpredictable. No matter how well u plan…you’ll end up doing something unexpected.

6.Speak your mind without worries about the ‘goods’ and the ‘bads’. Those who matters will understand and those who don’t understand does’t matter.

.

7. Don’t hold things. Let them go wherever time took them. If something is meant for you it will come back, if not, it was never meant for you.

8. Patience is a very useful tool. Try learning to play with it.

.

9. It’s more important to show instead you do. You can take care of your friends and work and family well but it does’t matter…you got to present it well. Be available on cell phone for your friend and always smile no matter you like it or not. Try to act like most biiiuzzzziest person on the earth in spite of the truth that you don’t even have forwarded mails to read…

.

10. It’s more important to be with right people at the right time instead of any skills or determination. You should know whom to praise and how much.

.

11. People take same sentence differently coming from a “fat, specky, book worm” gal and a “tall, kohl eyed, balanced weight” gal.

:)

12. Sarcasm is a word. People don’t mean what they say; they don’t say what they mean.

13. “I” is the most important alphabet, thought, thing.

14. Never doubt your instincts and decisions. Stick to what you have decided. Things generally turned out well...may be after long, but they do.

.

15. There is something called ‘GOD’ and he really exist with all the positive energy of the world. He takes care of me and this is truer than all the truths.

I can remember only these!!!
But most important life made me calm...at least I look like. Now I know who and what is important to me. I know what I have left behind and what more I’ll leave.

I am still here. Same place where I was before 19 months.

I met people, some taught me telling plain lies (I was good in this but now I have expertise). How to play with words, to say straight no (I am bad in this), how to act smart. How to bluff, to negotiate and to stretch. How to prove things any way by “HOOK OR BY CROOK”. How to act friendly to get out news, How to act innocent and then stab someone. Get out hidden meanings of the words and ulterior motives.

I thank all of you!!! All you people out there. Without you this learning would have not been the same, this place would have not been the same; I would have not been the same.
I learned to live this life and my belief got stronger that everything happens for a reason. I got closer to my family and I got closer to GOD.

It’s may be looking like end of a chapter. You must be getting this in between the lines as I am being conclusive.

No!!! It’s nothing like this. As I have mentioned, I am still here and am not going anywhere. But I am not the same person now, I have changed or better we should say I have evolved.

Hey, Suddenly I realize we have a verse in Hindi with similar thought

“Jab raat ka andhera ghehra ho jaaye to samjhlo, Savera kareeb hai”
English translation: (When the darkness of night gets deeper, you should understand that morning is close.)

Hummm so the Sweet thing came from here....

Another lesson to learn: Don't get impress with people easily, don't make pre-conceived notions.People are not perfect. All of them have something to teach and some fears and weaknesses.

Learn..and move!!!

I Know...

“So what’s the excuse???”
“Excuse…for what?”
“For behaving the way you do!!!”
“I don’t like to do expected!!!.......Why should i live up to others expectations instead of my own?”
“Ohhkk so you disappoints and then cover-up?? ”
“Yupp!!! Sort-Of!!!”.. ;)
“Then you are screwed!!! Cause you have never disappointed me!!! ”.. ;)

They smiles and he asks her to come to "paint-play" with him.

From my imagination.........

Regards,

Clementine Kruczynski