Wake me up, when it ends...

I was around 6 or 7 years old when we were coming from Haridwar to Delhi, for attending my Mausi's wedding. Me, my parents, my Grand maa and my younger sister. The time was of 'Mandal commission' crisis and our car got stuck in the middle of a riot. All that i can remember right now is that I was sitting on the back seat near the window and I saw people shouting and running, while army men and police personnel were firing tear bombs and bullets. My father asked our driver to stop the car in a corner and went outside to ask the policemen about the situation. I was too young to understand what was going on outside. My eyes were irritating because of the tear gas and my maa was putting wet towels on them. She asked me not to look outside but I couldn’t stop myself from looking outside.

I didn’t knew why we were on that car or where we were going or what was happening outside...But I was sensible enough to know that something was wrong...I was thinking about dad...the word 'worrying' is not appropriate here cause i was unaware of it that time...But I dont know why I just couldn’t stop thinking about him....I just wanted him back in the car...I asked maa repeatedly about him....I was restless...and she said that dad has went outside to bring frooti for me...I told her I don’t want frooti, I Just want him to come back...People were still shouting and crying...But all I cared about that time was my dad....I am ashamed to admit that I didn’t care about anyone else except my dad then...Even my innocent child heart just wanted my dad back to me...thats all!!!!!!

But u see...U cant be an ostrich all your life....not that it’s your choice but cause life wont let u b one 4 LONG!!! No matter how much u wanna avoid talking or thinking about the insanity of this world, it bangs you again and again till you realize u gotta stand and think about the actual purpose of being alive!!!

You'll never find me writing something I have not personally experienced.. never!!! This blog is about confession and hence it’s full of personal things...which are actually not that personal...so where everyone else writes about world Peace, environmental issues, Movie reviews etc...I just write about me, my life and people around!!! I never give my stands on any topic. I never accuse someone...or express hatred....never...Actually I am quite a self centered girl or u can say selfish....I just care about my life and my people...I hardly think about what’s going good and bad around the world...or how I can contribute to make this world a better place....I am just a messed up gal who is looking for my own peace of mind....I admit...I am no good!!!!

I don’t know what I am feeling right now...and I don’t want to go into the details as to who is involved, but I am restless again...'worried' is again an inappropriate word here.. First it was Delhi. all those places which were engraved on my heart like forever...places i have seen changing its color as morning turns into day, day into dawn and dawn into night...I breathe the air out of it...I do!!! Now its Mumbai...Its a place i have never been to but I have heard about these places and it is as good as being there!!! Every day and night..I imagined being there sumday.....to stand there and feel what my people felt....and suddenly, one fine day the whole perspective got changed!!!

What are we living for..what am I living for??? going to office everyday and coming back where I don’t have a single person whom i can call 'mine'..away from my family, friends.... Just with a single hope that someday...I’ll get back to them....someday I'll be at my right place in their arms...so hopeless to think someone else might be thinking the same thing...he/she must be waiting for that day, that time, that moment....which their life couldn’t give them...cause of these horrible acts :(

I am still a selfish gal...and I don’t have enough strength to think about how to bring world peace or how to make this world a better place to live....I just want to be with my people...safe and healthy...and I am such a fool that I don’t know how I am going to assure that…I want my dreams to come true...I dont want to loose my purpose of living this life... One day I want to walk my children to Connaught Place central park...want them to see the magenta sunset there, adore it the way I did… without any fear or restlessness in my heart!!!

I guess: "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

One Fine Day!!

My day started as usual where i woke up almost at usual time (6:30am), with usual attitude (Gawd why i'll hav to go 2 office everyday???) and with usual stuff around me (my cellphone handsfree on my ears!! :P).. But as I entered office I sumhow knew the is sumthing different about 2day!!!! I entered singing counting crows 'accidently in love' and the support guy from my team stared me with a mixed expression of surprise, weird and heck!! :) I held myself and moved towards my desk almost dancing and insted of logging into the system i put my bad thr and went straight to breakout zone and grabbed the local newzpaper...I cudnt evn read the headlines, was stucked on the day and date mentioned!!! I stared it for almost 2-3 mins!!

I went to my system n found no mails in my Inbox for the first time since i joined here....and I felt glad cause this means I didnt mess nything yestday..Evn if i wud hav....i m happy!!! :) Yupp this day is different then usual....2day is definetly a different day!!!! :)

I am going Home after almost 6 months!! :D

This is the longest time I am evr out of my place!!!!!!!I have lot of promises to make....lot of expectations to be fulfilled and lot of surprises to wait for!! :)

Wishing you all a Very HAPPY DIWALI!!!! specially to those who can be with thr dear once this festival.I envy those who says at home while working!! Its kinna dream for me cause I hate myself for missing festival preprations from past 3 years!! anywz....for those who cant be at thr Home Town!!!....Buddy!!! Whrevr on earth u stay...DIWALI is DIWALI!!!..festival is festival... So push ur butts and lit some light...celebrate it with ur roommates, collegues, frnds, neighbours...Enjoy the festival and make others smile....Thr might be sumone who wud be doing same for ur family...though its really hard to do!!!
:)

It's a GRAY World....

It’s sad to see this world is getting more calculated than simple and natural. I can expect a calculated talk between me and my manager. We both are in a relationship where we both don’t want to reveal our actual motives. We both have a dependency but don’t want other to realize it. We are bound to play with each other. But when its coming to an extend of playing mind games while talking to a frnd on a phone call…I know its blowing out of proportion.

A simple conversation has turned into complication, a time which u wants to be a relaxing moment has turned into a battlefield…where both of us were too consciously trying to mind our words and keeping our hands clean, building fake things…When it’s necessary to win everything?? There should be some things in life which should be away from measures and calculations, where talking should be more like reading Calvin n Hobbs rather than playing Sudoku where we have a race over who is gonna finish it first. I was part of it…still m complaining!!!

You know what really becomes the binding factor in human race, what’s keeping us together anyhow...It’s the Cat n Mouse thing, and its not just fighting for survival anymore. Cat wants to catch a mouse for survival and Mouse want to save him for the same....The one who wins the race will move ahead! It’s much more complicated for us because unlike the very CAT and MOUSE we have quite a developed brain and this brain plays to win...so it’s like we all are playing mind games to be here!

Everyday everywhere we want to prove ourselves over something and we became so absorbed by this that we are trying to be calculated with our dear ppl also…. Its not that we choose to live like this...it’s the part of evolution of the species I guess. We can’t live longer if we'll just stick to the lines....

i liked what “Two Face” says in the movie DARK KNIGHT...

"You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain"....

It is indeed tough to stick to the lines when every one else is doing best in pulling u and we cant call ourselves a “hero turned as villain” exactly cause we are neither black nor white...its the part of the whole system....and anywz, there is no fun living without running...isn’t it???

Everyone is hitting their balls with the best shot they can and the strange part is you don’t know when UR a CAT n when ur a MOUSE but we for sure are relative with our actions and even words.

Here I am...

It’s been really long this time!!!
Where was I??? I would say, On the same planet...:D.

Well as I have told you guys I am shifting my Job and City.1st packing and resigning took a lot of me, then shifting and joining. Now Its been almost 2 months at my new place but m still not settled. I realize, a lot is been left behind which was important to me. Sum frnds, few emotions, fun of being close to home and my expressions to an extent.

Tough times always dig sumthing exceptionally good out of u. I realize how patient I can be at times, what is the extension of my zeal and that m a person who lives on his own choices.
I have come a long way!! And honestly I am kinna proud on myself. I have made the best utilization of watevr i got and evn if I have lost a lot to be where I am right now...I have the pleasure to lead a life of my choice.

Mom says - "We love to stay in a hell of our choice then to live in an imposed heaven".

Call it freedom, independence, own space or anything. I relate myself to this saying. Everyone should have a right and chance for making his own choices, committing his sets of mistakes and living on his own terms. So here I am, on my own feet, with my own piece of sky and with my share of breeze... No matter how it is n where it’s going to lead me...It’s mine...

A lot has happened in between. I can see Harshita had gone thru alot gud and bad: m sorry dear, cudnt be here for u. Seems like Gaurav's imagination is enjoing his trips to office and back to home: Thanks for that Blogmate Pic!! I loved it!!!, Abhinav is still consumed in his excel sheets and data gathering...hope he is doing fine with his family, Neo is in Love...quite alot :P, Vaibhav is lost for evr, its official, Hirdu is still having purplish thoughts ;), Ashu is as usual naughty, Shruti seems to be in "même que moi" situation and Lots of new Bloggers discovered me though I am feeling like an alien on my own BLOG :P.

Even your dearest and closest things ask your care, time and attention to stay with you and you should choose them everyday to keep them alive. I'll try to be regular here. I don’t want to loose Clementine!! :)

...................................

Today I wanna write some crap. Something I wont evn understand if i'll revisit
it after couple of months which is quite possible with me.

Something is burning inside me. I am feeling like I am sitting on the shore
seeing drowings and is nt able to do sumthing; I dont know swimming.

I saw her leavin........4 her good but away from me. I cudnt wish her to stay
back,I wish her to leave and find her happiness...But m fighting from
myself...I made a choice...I wish she get wat she deserve.

I read he is nt happy. U felt trapped inside when u r compelled to do somthing
you dont want to do. I talked to him everyday and tell him all wat comes in my
mind...I felt shame on myself..I nvr realised he felt that way....m a fool and
he is grt in taking things within him....We are stil thr...cudnt make a
choice..

He thinks he is happy and he know wat happiness is.Its so sweet of him to be so
sure of everything around, like an innoscent child who think he knows
evrything. He is vertually happy and will come back from there....He think he
dont need to make a choice.

I hate uncertainity and the restlessness associated with it.Making choices
wudnt b this tough if we were sure about things.

I have realised, the thing we really want to acheive is happiness and we never
get it actually. Funny how everyone is fighting and running and cying to be
happy.

I am a 23 yr old girl who have spent less than 20 yrs in consious out of which
can hardy remember worth of 10 yrs and inspite of seeing little in life m
saying this. 'LIFE IS TOUGH!!' and living through it is tougher.

Looks like I have cumup with quite a crap crap :)

"Look into the future where would it be
Space between the lives whatever will I see,
How long will I wander before I really know
What I'm here to do and where I have to go"

Inscribed on me..

"Chaar lafzon mein kehni hai kahani mujhe
kisko kab fursat hai sune fariyaad sab

Yeh shehar hai, numaaish lagi hui hai yahan
banke ishtahaar milte hain aadmi sab

Sab ki khatir hain yahaan sab ajnabi
aur kehane ko hain ghar aabaad sab

Bhool ke sab ranjishen sab ek hain kaise
main bataaun sab ko hoga yaad sab

Talkhiyaan kaise na ho ashaar mein
hum pe jo guzari hai humko yaad hai sab"

I have always loved gazals and shayeries. The mystery of the words and hidden meanings between the lines compel us to be on them.

M soon moving out!! Out of my Job, this City!!!! I realised it late but monsoons here are as beautiful as at home. I cant believe m saying this but i'll miss this place and the rains too!!!

and as the shayeri above says...I have clear memories of every moment I lived and everything what happened with me......quite well....quit clear!!!!

....and she never came back!!!!!

She was still chasing it…call her a fool or optimist…but she knew its worth chasing and she was running patiently behind that kite…

Every time she stretch her hand, wind push it a little further…safe enough from her reach…close enough to hope for..

She always loved being at fields. Clean weather…cool breeze…and her “piece of rainbow” on the clear blue sky. Unlike children who love to play in groups she loved to be alone, kite flying…Though she was not a quite, shy person if not a social butterfly...but it was this part of space and her life which she finds difficult to share...

She spent hours with that kite and used to imagine that she can make it fly to another world. That kite used to fight witches and demons for her and used to save Sun princess...Sometimes it becomes a fairy which is on her tour to see whats going in the world and Sometimes it acts like a chariot of flowers which would take her to the land of candies.

That day, It was a princess who escaped from the Cage of a 'Rope Monster' and was going back to meet her mother...:)

Sun went down. Sky turned red...she was still galloping in the fields…

She heard that familiar voice at distance…It was already too late and its time to decide…now or never…whether to go back and loose her precious or to follow it without being sure if she’ll be able to catch it or not…She stopped for a while looked back at her home….She could feel the voice coming closer…It was the time…she hold it, took a deep breadth, turned and ran down the fields...Its her only chance.

She could feel the distant voice fading slowly…

“Clementine…Clementine!!! Where are you Sweetheart? It’s time to go home!!!”

Between this WORLD and a DREAM..

I am such a grandma….I have verse for every situation and thought…what can I do….blame it on my upbringing. Here is my recent encounter…by my sweet beloved MA..

“Pretending something is not that bad…and if you really have to pretend something….try n pretend that your happy…very happy…this will make your loved ones happy and your enemies will dig their head out to know the reason behind!!”

This works…I genuinely think that pretending to be happy is a great idea…this helps you in enhancing your thought process, make u calm and its better than cribbing on things specially in front of people who can do nothing about your hopelessness. If I am sick or having bad time at office, what my dad can do about it??? Isn’t it just fine to pretend in front of him to be happy??? Because in the end we all find some work around and meanwhile I can just be in my dreams…can look for what is there in this world for me...

It might sound like running form problems and being in virtual world…But it’s so not like this…Give it a thought…give it a try….Its worth of!!!

Pretention is an intermediate state where you can face the reality and can also be part of your dreams. You can have a place to satisfy your mind and soul, a place between this world and your Dreams.

I am a good pretentious person and I enjoy this…There is such a huge difference in where I am right now and where I want to be. I try and make a balance between...I try not to discuss my anxiety and restlessness much…Cause as MA explained this will solve the purpose of people who are responsible for my situation and the people who really care about me will feel helpless..

I satisfy my mind in my virtual space and I try to reflect my satisfaction in my work…
:)
Yet another GYAAN session… :)

Weekend is calling…just couple of days to go…I might party today…
You can call it an early celebration. But I am a kind of person who doesn’t need reason to celebrate, sing, treat, dance… I do it just for myself…any day, anytime, anywhere…whenever I feel like…This also helps in pretending to be happy.
:)
I am fine…Infact quite content… may b this wont b like this tomorrow but I’ll worry about it later…
CHEERS!!!

Killing a Mokingbird...Lessons from life..

Few days back someone said something very sweet to me…

He said.. “When it’s long that things around are really bad with you…worst than ever... It’s sure that good things are round the corner…"

I didn't check its credibility… I simply liked it…

It makes me realize a lot of things which I have gone through in past 2 years after I have left home... those were the most learning days of my life and I got a lot…Though the learning is still on but that was exponential growth. I use to crib on everything. A lot of things I saw, heard, felt and realize which make me worse but strong and practical person. Who cares about being nice? People don’t come and help nice people in earning their bread…

Anywz…During days of my growing and self analysis I came to know sum of the interesting facts...which I did’t realize back there at home:

1. Its only your parents in this world who stands for you always…there can be thousands of other people and relations which might have their own importance but your parents are the only one who will stay..

2. Plzzzz don’t get emotionally involved... Nothing in this world deserves this.

.

3. You should not pray for material things you want...because actually you are never sure what u want…because things you want in life for now may loose there importance with course of time...May b you’ll laugh on later for what u have prayed today.

4. We live in this world where nothing can be perfect. If your office is going fine…your personal life must be in jerks… or other way around…and if everything is looking fine that means something very bad and big is coming up. So cheer up and get use to of sum twitchy-witchy mess everyday. This shows things are normal with u.

5. Life’s unpredictable. No matter how well u plan…you’ll end up doing something unexpected.

6.Speak your mind without worries about the ‘goods’ and the ‘bads’. Those who matters will understand and those who don’t understand does’t matter.

.

7. Don’t hold things. Let them go wherever time took them. If something is meant for you it will come back, if not, it was never meant for you.

8. Patience is a very useful tool. Try learning to play with it.

.

9. It’s more important to show instead you do. You can take care of your friends and work and family well but it does’t matter…you got to present it well. Be available on cell phone for your friend and always smile no matter you like it or not. Try to act like most biiiuzzzziest person on the earth in spite of the truth that you don’t even have forwarded mails to read…

.

10. It’s more important to be with right people at the right time instead of any skills or determination. You should know whom to praise and how much.

.

11. People take same sentence differently coming from a “fat, specky, book worm” gal and a “tall, kohl eyed, balanced weight” gal.

:)

12. Sarcasm is a word. People don’t mean what they say; they don’t say what they mean.

13. “I” is the most important alphabet, thought, thing.

14. Never doubt your instincts and decisions. Stick to what you have decided. Things generally turned out well...may be after long, but they do.

.

15. There is something called ‘GOD’ and he really exist with all the positive energy of the world. He takes care of me and this is truer than all the truths.

I can remember only these!!!
But most important life made me calm...at least I look like. Now I know who and what is important to me. I know what I have left behind and what more I’ll leave.

I am still here. Same place where I was before 19 months.

I met people, some taught me telling plain lies (I was good in this but now I have expertise). How to play with words, to say straight no (I am bad in this), how to act smart. How to bluff, to negotiate and to stretch. How to prove things any way by “HOOK OR BY CROOK”. How to act friendly to get out news, How to act innocent and then stab someone. Get out hidden meanings of the words and ulterior motives.

I thank all of you!!! All you people out there. Without you this learning would have not been the same, this place would have not been the same; I would have not been the same.
I learned to live this life and my belief got stronger that everything happens for a reason. I got closer to my family and I got closer to GOD.

It’s may be looking like end of a chapter. You must be getting this in between the lines as I am being conclusive.

No!!! It’s nothing like this. As I have mentioned, I am still here and am not going anywhere. But I am not the same person now, I have changed or better we should say I have evolved.

Hey, Suddenly I realize we have a verse in Hindi with similar thought

“Jab raat ka andhera ghehra ho jaaye to samjhlo, Savera kareeb hai”
English translation: (When the darkness of night gets deeper, you should understand that morning is close.)

Hummm so the Sweet thing came from here....

Another lesson to learn: Don't get impress with people easily, don't make pre-conceived notions.People are not perfect. All of them have something to teach and some fears and weaknesses.

Learn..and move!!!

I Know...

“So what’s the excuse???”
“Excuse…for what?”
“For behaving the way you do!!!”
“I don’t like to do expected!!!.......Why should i live up to others expectations instead of my own?”
“Ohhkk so you disappoints and then cover-up?? ”
“Yupp!!! Sort-Of!!!”.. ;)
“Then you are screwed!!! Cause you have never disappointed me!!! ”.. ;)

They smiles and he asks her to come to "paint-play" with him.

From my imagination.........

Regards,

Clementine Kruczynski

Says the dearest daughter of God.......

Life and relationship is a complex thing. Sometimes things turned out in a way u never imagined.
We come across people who become part of our life and decisions. We trust them and give them a place in our heart.

You met a person as your colleague..and as the time moves you start embracing him as ur brother. You met a person via common friend and then he becomes ur best frnd, U met a person on net.. have telecons and he is now among the ppl you care most and then there is this guy who was ur best frnd, whom u alwz treated like ur dearest cutest buddy is now that sumone special..suddenly u started seeing him in all ur corny and romantic dreams.. :)

By the course of change of all these relationships, life reacted too..
Meanwhile my work still sucks (I don’t have work at all….n m desperately looking for change..plz sumone get me a gud job at a gud place…plzzzzzz) and I have turned down another offer… :(

Priorities change..as life change…Life change as priorities change..

Your brother is married now…he doesn’t have that kinna time for you….you have to accept this fact that he got responsibilities and bigger things to look into. You also want it this way…don’t you???

Your best frnd got new frnds and suddenly he came to know that ur a liar, made stories and keep things from him. You can not blame him..he is busy with his tough job and struggling with life.You want him to take care of his life…don’t you???

Ur frnd is busy with his job and has no longer access to net. You can not discuss world with him and you can’t feel lost in his lectures because he is also busy with his life and girlfriend. You want him to give priority to his job…you want him to make feel his girlfriend the most important person of his life….don’t you???

You want all of them to do this…you want them to take care of their job, wife, girlfriend, other friends and you understand that they are moving in life for gud as you are moving…hard to accept but this is how its meant to be.. Cause now you have changed your priorities too…

It’s the irony of life…..you can not hold best of your things….like your favorite pair of shoes…even if you still want to wear them, u have to let them go for keeping their grace alive, so that you can remember them as a beautiful possession.

We should respect the change and its this change which bring these wonderful ppl in your life..Everything happens for a reason...for gud.

While remembering all what I have gone through..with due respect to each and every happiness I got and as the sun slowly going down..i want to thank god for each and every moment of life, for my wonderful parents, my cute lil sis, my dearest and lovable frnds and for being with me.

I know..ppl will cum n go…they’ll love me n hate me…a lot of things, places and relationships will change but thr is one thing which is thr and will stay with me forever…

My bhagawanji will stay with me!!!

PYGMALION & GALATEA

In ancient Greece lived a handsome and talented sculptor named Pygmalion. He loved his work and would spend hours carving beautiful ivory statues, always at his happiest when immersed in his art.

One day he chose a large, beautiful piece of ivory, and worked for many long hours at it, chiseling and hammering until he finished. It was a statue of a beautiful lady. Pygmalion at once fell in love with his creation - he thought it was so beautiful, and he clothed the figure, gave it jewels, and named it Galatea, which means "sleeping love". Treating Galatea as if she were his girlfriend, he brought his ivory statue shells and pebbles, little birds and flowers of all colors!

Now, you must understand that Pygmalion was so into his art that he had vowed never to marry. He had no time for girls, just his sculptures. Still, the more he gazed upon Galatea, the more he wished that he had a wife just like her, but alive.

During a big festival in honor of Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty, Pygmalion went to the temple of Aphrodite to pray for a wife just like the statue in his home. His prayers were so fervent and heart-felt, and his passion so great, that the great goddess took notice.
Wanting to see for herself what all the fuss was about, Aphrodite visited the home of the sculptor and was delighted to see the ivory Galatea. She couldn't help but think that the statue looked much like herself, it was so perfect. Pleased and flattered she brought the statue to life.
When the sculptor returned home and kissed Galatea as was his custom, he was startled at her warmth. As he showered her with kisses he was beside himself with joy at discovering that slowly the ivory was turning into flesh. Galatea smiled down at him and spoke adoring words to her loving creator.

They soon got married and Aphrodite was the guest of honor at their wedding. Pygmalion didn’t forget to thank Aphrodite for his good fortune. He and Galatea brought gifts to her altar as long as they lived. Aphrodite blessed them with happiness and love in return, and permitted both of them to live long and blissful lives. They had two daughters named Paphos and Metharme.

Worthless...Undeserving..

Hell in my mind...so much mess to write...I don’t know 4m where to start n how it will end..its 4:00 am & this is one of the longest and toughest time i hav evr had....Life teaches u to grow...tough...tougher.. toughest...wat can i say...we are meant to live...we’ll have to do that...anywz..

I m tryin 2 forget a lot of things...i am tryin to move on...But i cudnt stop thinking....wat a fool i am to believe on things....wat a fool i am that i trusted...

I m not regretting on things...this wil b the last possible thing i can do...but no matter how selfless i tried 2 be..no matter how inert & strong i m..it matters to me that i hav wasted a part of my mind, my heart, my soul on sumthing which was not worth of...some1 who don’t deserve me..

At this time, all i can grab 4m my inside to pen is that may b i didn’t gained anything...but its the other who lost...lost a person who is hurt cause of injustice and insensitiveness.. its not been realised yet..So wat if my conviction is not been paid...its the other who’ll pay 4 this unawareness...

GOD...I really wanna get out of all this nonsense.... quickly...n this time i don’t know wat 2 do n where 2 go.... i hav nvr felt this much helpless...this much restless ..i cant remember the pyayers.... Help me!!!