When in Doubt

I was working as a trainee back then. New life, first job, you know how it all feels. You have that passion to prove yourself and to be accepted.

One day my manager called me for performance review and said "I think you could have done better. I had huge expectations from you when I first met you but you did nothing like that so basically you should get below expectations but I'll still give you an average rating". Those were his words.

I was new, fresh out of collage where I used to do well so I took it too hard. His words used to run through me every morning and every night before i go to bed.I used to go over and over about all the things I did and all the work done for the project to find what was my mistake and where i did wrong. One can not imagine the pain this process cause unless he/she went through it. This went for 6 months until one day when I suddenly understood the whole system. Its what mom tell me all the time

"There are two ways to make your line bigger, either you actually put some efforts and draw a bigger line or you just go and erase the line shorter which is in comparison".

People often choose the later option.

My project was in 300% loss. That manager was blaming others for his failures in life. I shifted my job and city and am doing pretty well since (*touch wood touch gold*).

I figured one thing about myself, how much I long to be accepted, to be recognized. And now after such a long time and all the ups and downs in life, I know am good. I know I do good at work, home and socially especially better than many people around me. It took me all the time in the world to come out of that phase of self loathing and doubting about my abilities and questioning myself every day what I have done wrong and what I could have done better. I wasted too much of time and energy in all this process and above everything I doubted myself.
Once again, I feel liberated. I know am good and no one can make me feel otherwise. The reason is unlike others, I spent time in drawing my line bigger, not erasing others with whom i was compared.Its the confidence bought by my efforts which cleared all my doubts.

All the lonely people, where do they all come from?

I went to pantry to try that coffee machine because the vendor in the cafeteria make that awful Indian version of mocha-chino which I hate!

So while I was trying to understand the complexity of the new pantry area and on top of that a new coffee machine and was trying to find a familiar option on that, a cleaning helper from the office came and helped me. We chatted for a while on how different machines have different system and he told me that this one specifically make the strongest of all coffees because it freshly brews. :) He actually explained me how coffee beans brewed in the machine. :) I listen him patiently also adding some expression of amazement in between and gave him unnecessary details that how I got transferred and Monday was my first day here and that the last office got a CCD coffee machine which used to work in a different way.

I smiled on my way back to my desk and couldn't help thinking about what Beatles once asked the world "All the lonely people, where do they all come from?". I think all of us have some bits inside where we are on our own.

I wanna remember this moment. I know I'll smile every-time I do. :)

The eternal question.

I wonder how somethings never change with time, some emotions and human reaction towards them. Its being ages when Mirza Ghalib asked himself a question, "Yun hota to kya hota?" and the words still fit in.

'Na tha kuchch to khuda tha, kuch na hota to Khuda hota

duboya mujhko hone ne, na hota main to kya hota ?

Hua jab Gham se yoon behis to Gham kya sar ke katne ka

na hota gar juda tan se to zaanoon par dhara hota

Huee muddat ke 'Ghalib' mar gaya par yaad aata hai

wo har ek baat pe kehana, ke yoon hota to kya hota ?'

.

Ying and Yang

.

World around me never failed to go with the universal rule of 'balance'.

According to which "Every good will follow by bad and vise versa. "

Met some great some worst people, had some amazing moments and some unbearable times and I think I am already on my way to be indifferent about this swing in life. I am trying not to be 'so sad' about bad times and not 'so happy' about the good ones. I know it will take some time but right now all I can do is thank all mighty for keeping my spark alive.

Free falling..

Do you guys ever thought that you might have become a version of yourself which you never planned? Like there is some thoughts in your mind you do not talk about anymore. I wish it was possible to live a life where you don't have to screen every think come in your mind before you let it out. At least not so many of them, at least not with each and everyone.

I feel like I have this constant pressure to be my best version. Like if I slipped, I'll have no one to stand to my 'not so good' version. Not my job, my family or my friends.

A friend of mine told me that if I have settled for someone, I do not think before I say anything to them. Since then, gradually, I kept a watch on my thoughts and try to behave every second in life.

Because this way the people around me will figure my 'not so good' version soon and will feel that am not what they thought at the first place.

Its my biggest fear in life, turned out to be 'not worth of'.

Blessed are the forgetful

None was nearer, none was dearer,

Since the days of forty-nine,

When, in youth, he had another,

Who was then his Clementine.

Drove she ducklings to the water

Every morning just at nine,

Hit her foot against a splinter,

Fell into the foaming brine

Oh my darling, oh my darling,

My darling Clementine,

You are lost for me forever,

Dear sweet darling, Clementine.

'Winter'

I exactly remember the feeling.

It was like you go to bed one night knowing it might snow but when you wake up next morning you forgot. And then when you look outside the window its everywhere, all around you, covering every bit of the world you can see. Thats how 'it' sneaked upon me.

I wasn't planning liking it but now, I wish Summer never come. I wish the snow never melt.

Slate Creek Drive

The walk by your side,

to the voided creek

I was trying to find,

a lost paper boat.

This one which didn't float,

But glide along the creek,

with the yellow pink stripes,

the one which never float.

and if ever it could

It would come to where we are

at the walk besides the creek

with my arms in yours.

Remember Me

Doubt thou the stars are fire,

Doubt that the sun doth move,

Doubt truth to be a liar,

But never doubt I love.

Prayer

.

.

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

.

Within

.

I hear this sound,

the words with no melody,

he hums in my ears a symphony

and gives me the song of the day

The sunshine do not help,

when the red green eyes stare at me,

he come, hold me from the back,

don't let me fall

And since the day I am what I am,

he never left me to walk alone,

I had him in coldest and darkest of nights

and when the morning light explode

It was always me and him,

against this big, strange, odd world

my solitude, my friend

I owe this one to you

:)

He and his Annabel..

.

It was many and many a year ago,

In a kingdom by the sea,

That a maiden there lived whom you may know

By the name of Annabel Lee;

And this maiden she lived with no other thought

Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,

In this kingdom by the sea;

But we loved with a love that was more than love-

I and my Annabel Lee;

With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven

Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,

In this kingdom by the sea,

A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling

My beautiful Annabel Lee;

So that her highborn kinsman came

And bore her away from me,

To shut her up in a sepulchre

In this kingdom by the sea.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love

Of those who were older than we-

Of many far wiser than we-

And neither the angels in heaven above,

Nor the demons down under the sea,

Can ever dissever my soul from the soul

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;

And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;

And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side

Of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride,

In the sepulcher there by the sea,

In her tomb by the sounding sea.

- Edgar Allan Poe

.

When you have 'lot of' milk to boil...

.

Its 6:00pm and am done with my dinner and the day. As am not sleepy, I have to figure out my options. Am not much of a TV person, not at all actually and am kinna sick of Internet and laptop cause am doing that for a continues 22 hrs now. I see these ppl walking down the white street and some kids skating, Its beautiful out of my window but I wonder how past week went.

Truth is, I miss him :( . I miss him when i have to eat that crap food on my own, or when I didn't understand things on my computer or when I see some stupid nightmare and I don't have him by my side to cuddle into or when I walk alone to office and its cold. :(

Every single, most insignificant thing of my day reminds me how better that could be if he would be here.
I am not sure if its gonna get better. Its still amazing how I have no regrets of making this choice. Yes am scared to death and I need patience and faith. Cause he told me once, this is what we do.... we stir it, every now and then, to save it to get stick to the bottom of the pan and get burnt.