Definitely.....Maybe.... :S

It must be several time we wish for something and it never happen......I mean, Come ooonnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We all have a screwed life in one or the other way. We have so many things we want and we honestly chase them but somewhere inside, we all know that things might not turn the way we want them to be. he he he....sooooo HUMAN.. :) :)

I have alwz been the kind of person who plan things well in advance.....In fact I over do most of the time. :P Like instead of making resolutions for a new year, I set goals....
Every year some of them just dies in between, I carry forward few to next year and I achieve couple of rest..... So basically, I am totally cool with being a loser, and I don't mind to have some unreached goals, some broken dreams.....

But what if one day you realise you have everything you wished for? What if suddenly you have all your dreams come true??? I'll tell you what...Its literally scary and a completely freaky feeling!!! :P :P :P :P..... For quite a long time you will not be able to believe yourself and your luck and the reality.....and as you are in habit of being a loser, this sudden change will flash you and your life as if your having a hallucination........ :) :) :) :)
I planed 2009 and for the first time since I can remember, I have everything checked on my list before it ends......Weird isn't it!!! :S :S :S :S

I just hope this bliss stays. I hope god do not equal this by some tragic, sad, bad thing. As Mr. Murphy said - "If everything seems to be OK, Yoy are definitely missing something". Am such a pessimist and I am scared. What if I wake up one morning and find that all this is a dream?? What should I do to be sure that everything is happening for real real???
I would love to tell you the details of the series of events but am still having my doubts, am still not sure....Also, I think somethings should just be part of your heart and only your heart...... ;)"The human heart has hidden treasures
In secret kept, in silence sealed.
The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures
Whose charms were broken if revealed"

At home.....

I just felt like writing....I don't actually have something to comment upon...I wanted to write cause am at home, sitting in my room, at my desktop. :)... completely blissful...

Last few weeks were very tiring. I traveled a lot, had lot of work pressure at office and sadly some other stuffs to add on.
Being at home alwz reminds me of my golden days. The days where I used to one perfect person who deals with every encountered problem with great ease. Sometimes it makes me realize what a looser I turned into. Nowadays am full of issues at work, home and life and there doesn't seem any end of them.

I really need some peace of mind. Maybe a day where am not aiming anything and I am not running or trying hard. Knowing me, this is quite next to impossible soooo I think I need to re-define my goals. :)

I already have few Ideas and You guys can also come up with some, Anything you guys think I can be good at or may be will feel nice doing it... I'll be grateful.

Ohhh Btw...I wish U all a very Happy Diwali and a prosperous new year !!! I hope U guys have a grt year ahead!! :)

(*Media Player is playing "Barking at the moon" by Jenny Lewis *)
"Thr is no home like the one you have got, cause that home belongs to you. "

Highly recommended by Clementine... :)

Today at night...

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Ten is time for making up a story,
Erasing all that's dull and ordinary,
No light but hope-light, no end but glory.

Eleven we have a long way to go,
Living through all these yes and no,
Even-uneven, who knows? Closed door or open window.

Twelve and am still wide awake,
Picking old dreams for a remake,
A day without a dawn, no tears no heartache.
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Catch 22

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It was drizzling outside when Nikky entered the room crying. It took me just 10 seconds to think about all the possibilities. Is she hurt? Did someone at the road said something? (sadly its a very common thing.. :( ), someone did something? (Not common but thr are all kinna ppl on this road...), Office? (Some shittest ppl of my life are from thr), work? Fought Dev? (Friend), something happened to family?

I didn’t felt stunned or anything. She is one little gal who have a long way to go learning survival skills. I told her to stop crying. I bought her a glass of water and asked her the reason. She was all red. Eyes were swelled and they were looking like as she has put some red kajal or makeup on them. I asked again....she couldn’t say anything. She was breathing hard and I was amazingly calm.
She finally managed to tell me It was some work related issue and argument at office. She is a fresher and ppl are not helping her. They comment on her work but don’t help. She was very stressed and said she'll quit job and will go back home.

I didn’t said anything at that time, In fact I asked her to cry as much as she can. It helps. It reminds me of my days, when I entered this mean world. I used to think that everyone thinks as simple as I do. I was nvr the kind of person who will cry over things but, Yahhh helplessness makes me angry....so angry that I can kill myself.

I have come a long way. I have altered into many versions, discovered various things and have learned surviving. I still remember ma’s face when she left me at that hostel gate for the first time. She must know it already. I can figure her expressions now. She was scarred leaving me thr. She knew what all I’ll go thru. I am glad she was strong and am glad she tried showing some faith in me. Since then, I am surviving on my own and hope it continues as smoothly as it is right now.

I wonder my parents’ pain and restlessness to let me go. They have alwz encouraged me struggle thru my choices. It must be very difficult for them to overcome their 21 year old habit of seeing me doing things in their supervision, when they can make sure to be a help if I get messed up. Humans are full of several emotions at the same time. But there are some emotions which are stronger than others, which overcome others. I am glad that my being self independent was a stronger emotion for them than their love, possessiveness. They knew they can’t be here for me every time and thr’ll be several things which I have to face on my own and I should be prepared.

Instead of just supporting, they always left me figuring things on my own. Even when I was crying not to stand on the stage for speeches, they refused help. They must have suffered standing as an audience and seeing me struggling. I went, did well and it continued....I have my bad times also....when It didn’t worked as well as other times. But I alwz got something to learn.

This one is for Ma and papa for living this Catch 22, a constant fear as they sent thr daughter on her own knowing how much worse things can turn out and for enjoying all the success out of thr trust.For their selflessness, their upbringing, their love and everything.

To nikky's parents who are experimenting with their courage, letting her daughter grow and face this wicked world...for all those parents who do this....for thr pain, fear and thr chaotic life, cause its alwz this way.....everyone has to fly on his own at some point and has to face this insanely weird world on his own....and am glad my parents equipped me well.... :)

She came to office today, with her super swollen face and super duper swollen eyes. She wanna take leave because she is having headache but she is asked to stay and work on that code. I wanna go and talk to his manager, I wanna help Nikky, I wish to help her hold that innocence she has....But I am letting her go....she need to fight on her own and I should better let her face it now than later in life.... :)

I wish you luck Nikky... and am here for you....just watching....Its for your good!
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I wish :) :):) :)

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I wish you everything , and more....HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! :)

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Close to sunset... :)

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We all have our good days and not so good days, some good months and not so good months, some good years and not so good years....

So the point is: There is alwz a counter bad part of every good thing.(and vice versa)

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The sun rises every morning, reached to its max in the day and then sets in the evening. Most of the other good things don't get chance to see the next morning, don't get chance to rise again. They see the golden time of their Era, their life, then falls and become history.

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The risen alwz fall.....or we say....alwz sets.. :)...

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Take me back home....

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Is this where I come in?
When your head is in your hands
D'you rather be alone?, if you do I understand
Well honestly I'm sorry I tracked mud across your plans

Is there where I rush in?
For I am your saving grace,
healer of the herd,descending on your space
My wings caught in your door and my halo in your face

Is this where I come in?
And there are troubles here, within the walls of this room
No one said a word and it's deafening
All of our silence, it's hardly music to the ears

Is there where I come in?
When you send up the flares
I'll send down the clown when you are broken down
Well I'll be there with bells on I'll be wringing out your cares

Is this where I come in?
Is this where I...

It's a shame we had to fight
Couldn't we just stay in bed
Save it up until tomorrow
Have a pleasant chat instead

Is this where I come in?
When your head is in your hands

D'you rather be alone? Well I'm tryin understand
Said I'm sorry, I said I'm very sorry

Now can I come in?
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Note

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Lost some Hope, some faith and a friend....

Significant day......
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Capture the light :)

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Thr are things in life...Things which are warm, bright, nourishing. Things which you need to live and grow. Things like Sunshine.

And thr are things which are to support, to survive, to stay calm. Things which kept you going. Things like tranquilizing drugs...

Where you can never stop loving the sunshine...You cant have it always....It leaves you everyday with a promise to come back the other day. And those tranquilizers, they are not very healthy and you know they are not.......but somehow you cant get rid of thet any of them......Cause they are life supporting.

So you have sunshine and you have these drugs.....

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Incomplete Ending..

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The windows were wide open

the sky was turning dark

I wonder when the last time

I saw it in moonlight

I stood up next to

the only exsitance thr

My shadow cant talk to me

but what if it might

I left a book unread

that song still playing

I felt no pain no relief

as I died the other night

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Somewhere near 17° 22' 31" N and 78° 28' 27" E...

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God forbids, I'll ever have to do something I don't want to do or stay away from someone I want to be with...

As for now...I am just trying to convince myself that I want to do what I am suppose to do...and I don't want to be with the one I want....

I am not sure if its working... :(..Not yet..
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"Gut Hooked"

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"Jake?" she asked, picking up the telephone receiver with trembling hand, "It’s me, Annie"

"Hi Annie," He answered in a low, quite voice.

"You really scared me, yesterday," she began. "It sounded as though you were trying to say good-bye to me, Jake."

"I was," he replied. "You’re better off without me, Annie. I don't want to let you go, but I have to. It wouldn't be fair of me to drag you with my miserability. I have seven years of my sentence left to serve, Do yourself a favour, and forget about me."

"I caught a smallmouth bass, today," she interjected. "The fish had completely swallowed the fly, and it caught in its stomach. We call it being 'gut hooked'. The thing is, once a fish is gut hooked; you can't remove the hook without killing it. There's no catch and release for a fish like that, even if you wanted to."

"Okay," he hesitated, wondering what had prompted this bit of information.

"Jake, I'm gut hooked." She Confessed. "If you release me, my body may not die, but my heart will."

"Annie, please don't do this," he begged, suddenly understanding where this discussion was leading.

"I have to," she replied, wiping away the tears that were coming to her eyes. "Jake, I love you."

It's different for me..

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Often Solitude and loneliness is being associated with sadness and grief and emptiness...Poets described it many times as a time you feel hollow and lost and dark....Writers wrote enough about how their protagonists fight hard to keep their sane being lonely....
Ahhhhhhhhh...Is solitude that bad...

I enjoy being alone....seriously...Am not out of my mind....I am ashamed of admitt.,.but I do..I really enjoy being in solitude...where I don’t have to watch my actions...where I have no responsibilities...where I don’t have to explain things to anyone...where i don’t have to try hard to make people believe me....where I don’t have to try to make people like me....cause i like myself...whatever I am...
You can call this self love...or whatever you want..But I enjoy being with myself... :)

So unlike all the stories, poem or movies where I see people explaining loneliness as a curse to mankind...It attracts me...Sometime I imagine my whole life like this...being with myself...taking care of myself and not worrying about anything else...

Definitely, I enjoy hanging out with friends and going out and being with my family....But I like my space and this time...
I cook for myself without worrying about ppl will like it or not cause thr is no one else...I go for shopping which I truly enjoy without being in tension that someone might be waiting for me back home...I spend as much time I want in office, no worries of coming back early....spend as much time i want on bed...no worries again...I can do what pleases me...can enjoy my kinna music, Can watch whatevr and till whatevr time... can write....so much more....

Somehow I am finding it hard to explain the true feeling....but trust me..It’s...... fun..complete..:)

Once Upon a time in New Jersey...

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I knew it was going to be difficult..I started feeling it way too before....We were moving from one crossway to another in New York streets and I could feel that nthing else matters....

I hugged her goodbye..told her that I love her...and thought not to look at her back...It was already getting worse....I went to the back seat door and before sliding in I did turned....It was like all the moments I had with her in my entire life time flashed infornt of my eyes in 10 sec..I was happy to have her...sad I was leaving, I dont know when I'll see her next time and thr she was standing on the porch looking all confused as I was....she didnt changed a bit, Her emotions are still clear and easy to read...her eyes still narrates her heart....They were pleading...I couldnt see her anymore.... :(

Then he came from nowhere to me...he started saying something I didnt got...I wasnt listning...I couldnt....was trying hard not to speak...cause I knew I couldnt put one coherrent sentence together...I wanna say so many things to him...I want to tell him to take care of her...To love her more than anyone can love anybody...to keep her happy and healthy...make her smile and bright....I didnt said a word....I slid inside and the car started.....everything started to blurr cause my eyes were filled with tears....

Before we took the turn on the road....thr they were...standing by each other...Suddenly a new grush of hope filled my veins...I knew she'll be fine and they'll make that work out....So I came back, keeping her last image with me.....

My princess and her prince.. :)

The Prince and Me :)

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