When in Doubt

I was working as a trainee back then. New life, first job, you know how it all feels. You have that passion to prove yourself and to be accepted.

One day my manager called me for performance review and said "I think you could have done better. I had huge expectations from you when I first met you but you did nothing like that so basically you should get below expectations but I'll still give you an average rating". Those were his words.

I was new, fresh out of collage where I used to do well so I took it too hard. His words used to run through me every morning and every night before i go to bed.I used to go over and over about all the things I did and all the work done for the project to find what was my mistake and where i did wrong. One can not imagine the pain this process cause unless he/she went through it. This went for 6 months until one day when I suddenly understood the whole system. Its what mom tell me all the time

"There are two ways to make your line bigger, either you actually put some efforts and draw a bigger line or you just go and erase the line shorter which is in comparison".

People often choose the later option.

My project was in 300% loss. That manager was blaming others for his failures in life. I shifted my job and city and am doing pretty well since (*touch wood touch gold*).

I figured one thing about myself, how much I long to be accepted, to be recognized. And now after such a long time and all the ups and downs in life, I know am good. I know I do good at work, home and socially especially better than many people around me. It took me all the time in the world to come out of that phase of self loathing and doubting about my abilities and questioning myself every day what I have done wrong and what I could have done better. I wasted too much of time and energy in all this process and above everything I doubted myself.
Once again, I feel liberated. I know am good and no one can make me feel otherwise. The reason is unlike others, I spent time in drawing my line bigger, not erasing others with whom i was compared.Its the confidence bought by my efforts which cleared all my doubts.